Recently Overheard Remarks

See that fellow in the picture for this article – the one that’s typing on his phone as the others talk? Here are some remarks that I was privileged (?) to overhear.

At work…

• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• This isn’t an office – it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• My cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• I pretend to work; they pretend to pay me.
• I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
• “Stress” is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

At a bar…

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
• Hear no evil; see no evil; date no evil.
• It’s not the size, it’s [pause] no, it’s the size.
• And which dwarf are you?
• Not ALL men are annoying. Some are dead.
• I’m ‘getting smart’ with you? How would you know?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Okay! Okay! I take it back! Un -**** you!

At a barbecue…

• The problem with today is – too many freaks, and not enough circuses.
• We live in suburbia. You know, where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.
• “Macho Law” prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I ever leave the house?

Out and about…

• I majored in liberal arts. Now, will that be for here or to go?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• Do I look like a ******* people-person?
• Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
• Don’t mind him; he’s just meandering to a different drummer.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• YOU! Off my planet!

Food for thought.

Mac